Olethea Pimenta • August 26, 2026
Therapy loves communication skills.
Use “I” statements. Speak from your feelings. Choose the right moment. Soften your opening. Be specific about what you need. Try not to say “always” or “never.”
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I don’t love it. I think the thing that therapy gets wrong is that better communication can fix a relationship.
You’re bright and articulate – I am sure you know how to explain. Gently. Then more clearly. Then with a carefully chosen example. You wait for the right moment. You consider their childhood. You acknowledge the pressure they are under. You make sure they don’t feel attacked.
Eventually, you are giving a beautifully organized presentation—with supporting documents—to someone who still does not want to take out the garbage.
At some point, better communication stops being the answer.
You need to be able to call it.
Calling it means naming what you see without immediately trying to fix it, explain it, or make it more comfortable.
Your partner avoids difficult conversations.
They apologize, but their behaviour doesn’t change.
They are affectionate when you pull away but unavailable when you move closer.
They agree to things in the moment and quietly wait for you to forget.
They are not taking responsibility for their work, their finances, their health, or their relationships.
Calling it means allowing yourself to say: This is the pattern.
Not: “How do I explain it better?”
Not: “What if I try approaching it differently?”
Not even: “Why are they like this?”
Just: “This is what they consistently do.”
One of the questions I ask clients is:
Call it. Give me like a 5 second take on their behaviour?
Or. If you weren’t trying to fix this, what do you see?
The answer is often much clearer than they expect.
“He doesn’t really want to talk about our relationship.”
“He likes having me here, but he doesn’t want the responsibilities of being a partner.”
“He is comfortable with the relationship as it is. I’m the one who wants it to become something else.”
You may not like the answer. But you probably recognize it.
Calling it is not about giving up on the relationship. It isn’t about turning every frustrating habit into a red flag or declaring that nobody can ever change.
It is about trusting yourself enough to describe what is happening before you start building a case for why it might not really be happening.
The next question is:
Do I believe this person can change this?
And then the more important question:
Do they want to?
Because “technically capable of change” is a very low bar.
Most people are technically capable of going to therapy, becoming more emotionally available, finding a job, managing their money, setting boundaries with their family, or learning to communicate differently.
But possibility is not the same as intention.
Intention is not the same as action.
And action for two weeks after a very serious conversation is not necessarily change. Oh yeah!
The question isn’t whether a completely different version of this person could exist. The question is whether the person in front of you is consistently moving toward change without needing you to manage the entire process.
This is where calling it becomes uncomfortable.
Once you stop trying to find the perfect words, you have to ask:
If this never changes, can I live with it?
The answer does not always have to be no.
You may decide that something is disappointing but manageable. You might stop expecting your partner to meet a particular need and find another way to care for that part of your life. You may stay while seeing the relationship much more accurately.
Calling it is not always about leaving.
It is about acceptance.
Real acceptance—not the kind where you say you accept something but continue running a small, unpaid rehabilitation program for your partner behind the scenes.
Acceptance means making decisions based on who this person is now, rather than who they might become if you communicate perfectly enough.
Many women spend enormous amounts of energy massaging the message.
How can I say it so they understand?
How can I make sure they don’t feel criticized?
What tone should I use?
Could I bring it up at a better time?
But if you have communicated the same need repeatedly, the problem may not be your delivery.
Their response is also communication.
Defensiveness is information. Avoidance is information. Temporary effort followed by the same pattern is information. Your growing exhaustion is information too.
Communication skills matter. But so does discernment: the ability to see what is happening, call it accurately, and decide what it means for you.
Before you have the conversation one more time, pause and ask yourself:
If I weren’t trying to fix this, what would I call it?
You may already know.
If you are tired of searching for the perfect way to say something you have already said many times, working together can help you step out of fixing mode and see the relationship more clearly.
Together, we can call the pattern, understand what it is asking you to accept, and help you decide what you want to do with that information.
